


Ganondorf, Hero of Hyrule

by Lady_Arrowwood, RadiantSeraphina (Lady_Arrowwood)



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, F/M, Implied Relationships, Parody, probably the only Zelda fic ever with fake sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 08:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2302862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Arrowwood/pseuds/Lady_Arrowwood, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Arrowwood/pseuds/RadiantSeraphina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After getting the Triforce of Courage from the hero of Hyrule, Ganondorf is filled with the urge to fight monsters, complete meaningless side-quests, and be an all-around good person. Of course, it wouldn't be so bad, if the princess and hero would stop laughing and plotting against him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ganondorf, Hero of Hyrule

Ganondorf screamed in rage, halfway up the tree. What was he _doing_? He pulled himself up more steadily on the branch and glowered at the stupid cat with the _audacity_ to get stuck in a tree. Two sets of muffled laughter floated around his head. (At least, he thought it was two sets of laughter. One was definitely a bell-like laugh. The other noise sounded like a wolfos choking on an ocarina). The people of the village insisted that it was ghosts, but Ganondorf knew better. No doubt it was Princess Zelda and her _dear_ hero watching, through magical means, and laughing at his expense.

 

Ganondorf made a vicious swipe towards the cat, which hissed and tried to bite him. He swore to the goddesses that if the hero—Lane? Lin? Line?—didn’t stop laughing, Ganondorf was going to march into Hyrule Castle and _literally_ shove an ocarina down that idiot’s throat. He fantasized the violent image, for about two seconds, when the insipid thought came: _that is mean. Why are you even thinking about doing that to Hyrule’s champion?_

Those insipid thoughts began, when he’d held a sword to Zelda’s throat and forced the hero to choose between his piece of the Triforce and Princess Zelda. Of course, he’d chosen Zelda, and Ganondorf had begun to celebrate is victory, having forced the Triforce of Courage from the hero’s hand. Of course, that’s when everything went wrong.

 

It seemed that, even without the Triforce of Courage, the hero was still something of a badass. He’d rescued Zelda, and they fled. Then, before Ganondorf could make chase, he heard the sound of an elderly woman  trying to cross the street, arms laden with shopping bags. Ganondorf didn’t even have time to blast her into a pile of ashes, before he found himself racing to help carry her bags.

 

She gave him an empty bottle, which Ganondorf hurled at a wall, when he realized exactly what he’d done. Since then, Ganondorf had helped a little girl find a half-dozen bugs, cleaned the royal family’s stables, entered dungeons, and donated to the overall peace of Hyrule. Now he was reduced to helping cats from trees.

 

And that princess and _damn_ hero—Link!—were still laughing at him. Ganondorf shook his fists and growled, “Fu—fu—“ he tried to swear to the heavens. “Farore bless you, Link!”

 

A crash sounded near Ganondorf’s ear, bubbled with wolfos-like growls. Evidently, the hero laughed so hard that he’d fallen from his chair. “I hope you broke your—“

 

A condemning crack ended Ganondorf’s threats and sent him plummeting to the ground. He lay there, dazed, and vaguely distinguished another chair falling backwards. Evidently, the princess of Hyrule had joined the hero on the ground. “Very dignified!” Ganondorf screamed.

 

Ganondorf growled and got to his feet, as a villager approached him. “Oh, you didn’t get my cat down. Don’t you want to try again?”

 

“No—yes! I mean, yes! I would love to!” Ganondorf exclaimed.

 

Wearily, he began to climb the tree, torn between all-seething rage, blind duty, and the overwhelming urge to beg—well, not _beg_ exactly—Zelda’s champion to take that horrible Triforce of Courage back.

 

* * *

 

 

After another week of running errands for half of Hyrule, Ganondorf gave in and made his way to the castle. As he walked through the halls (after he finished helping a maid find her lost key, a guard impress his friends, and delivering a pumpkin to the cook), he tried desperately to compose a passable lie for giving Link back the Triforce piece. Because the truth— _I can’t stand this damn thing. Goddesses, please, take it back_ —was simply unacceptable.

 

After helping another occupant of Castle Town find her boyfriend, she gave him a key, which opened another door. Which had another key for _another_ door. Ganondorf did this about ten times before arriving in the room _right beside_ the entrance. Growling, he gave up and slammed the door in with a kick. Seething, with his ears ringing, Ganondorf entered the room—a library, it appeared.

 

“You know; if you’d went outside, you could’ve just climbed in through the window,” said the hero, with such calmness that Ganondorf had the urge to stran— _smile politely_ —at him.

 

Ganondorf approached the hero, who sat in a comfortable-looking chair with a book. On the table before the hero, rested the fabled Master Sword. “You’re not concerned about that,” Ganondorf asked, indicating towards the sword.

 

Link raised an eyebrow. “Not particularly. She’s _mine_. Even Zelda can’t wield the Master Sword. I doubt you can either, even with the Triforce of Courage. Oh, and how is that working out for you, Ganondorf?”

 

The hero tilted his head and smiled diabolically, his eyes sparkling like sunlight on a lake. Ganondorf gritted his teeth together, in a vain effort to keep from smiling. “ _Wonderfully_ , Boy,” he said. "I mean, noble Hero of Hyrule!"

 

“Glad to hear it.”

 

The hero nonchalantly returned his attention to his book, as if the fact that Link hadn’t already leapt up to defend himself, wasn’t insulting _enough_. Ganondorf debated between whether or not it was worth his loss of pride to admit that the Triforce of Courage was a _horrible, horrible_ thing. Not only did it force Ganondorf into pointless errands, but every time he was faced with a monster, this terrible force shoved him forward to fight it, regardless of the danger.

 

Sensing his hesitation, the Triforce of Courage decided to make Ganondorf very courageous, just as he was making this crucial choice. “I can’t take it anymore! You have to take it back!” the Gerudo roared. “For Farore’s sake, _please_!”

 

Slowly, Link looked up from his book. Ganondorf felt a swell of relief. Yes, it was humiliating to admit that he’d been defeated by _Courage_ , but at least, he knew Link would have pity on him. “No,” the hero said.

 

“No? What do you mean _no_? You’re the hero! You’re supposed to be good and everything!”

 

“Isn’t it good to have someone else out there helping the whole of Hyrule?” asked Link, with a sort of solemn wisdom that Ganondorf hadn’t known the hero possessed. “I do miss it, but since it’s going so _wonderfully_ for you, I see no reason to take it back.”

 

“What? But you’re not even heroic anymore! You’re standing around with Zelda and laughing at me!”

 

The hero got a stupidly dreamy look on his face, at the mention of Princess Zelda. Ganondorf growled. So Link refused to take it back, did he? Fine. Ganondorf was completely confident that Princess Zelda could make the hero do anything she wanted, and she’d _never_ want Ganondorf to have that piece of the Triforce.

 

* * *

 

 

“No.”

 

“No?” Ganondorf exploded. “Why? You have Wisdom! Can’t you see that _your hero_ is supposed to have the Triforce of Courage?”

 

“Of course, but if Link no longer wants it, I see no reason to force his hand. You are, after all, the one who took it from him. Besides, Link hardly needs it. He’s one of those rare, genuinely noble individuals; he won’t miss a little divine aid, especially while he has the Master Sword.”

 

Ganondorf tried to swear, but the result was a list of praises for Princess Zelda and the kingdom of Hyrule. The princess covered her mouth, in a feeble attempt to hide her laughs. “Besides,” the princess concluded softly. “I _like_ having Link around.”

 

Ganondorf thought he might cry (manly tears, of course), while he left the castle. The bell laughter and wolfos-choking sounds were back. If he hadn’t known better, Ganondorf would’ve sworn that Link and Zelda had—wait! There was a woman chasing her chickens! Ganondorf must catch them for her!

 

With that, Hyrule’s unwilling hero leapt into action, with all the swiftness of Farore.

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Link and Zelda sat in front of an enchanted mirror, trying desperately to stifle laughter, while the hulking Ganondorf attempted to climb underneath a fence and catch a fluffy, white chicken. In the end, Ganondorf gave up and obliterated the fence. Link sighed. “All he had to do was shoot the post, knocking down the rope, pull the rope, which would force down the key, go around the fence, and unlock it,” the hero whispered, as if _anyone_ could figure out such a thing.

 

“Instead, he’s set it on fire,” noted Zelda, keeping her voice low.

 

“Oh, don’t worry. He’ll feel obligated to fix it and spend the next three days gathering wood,” replied Link sagely.

 

“Still,” Zelda said, “I’m not sure that’s entirely fair to the people of Castle Town. That’s the third thing he’s set on fire this week. I won’t ask you to, but are you really going to let him keep the Triforce of Courage?”

 

Link grinned and shook his head. “Of course not.”

 

He tapped the pommel of the Master Sword and smiled fondly. “She’s anxious to go adventuring,” he said.

 

“Is she?” Zelda asked, somewhat bemused.

 

The princess knew that Evil’s Bane was woven from very ancient magic, but she’d never felt anything form the blade. Not like Link did. The hero nodded. “Yes. I think we’re going to the Zoras this time.”

 

“So when are you taking the Triforce of Courage back?” Zelda inquired. “Tonight?”

 

Link rolled his eyes. “No. I’m waiting until he gets that fence done.”

 

Zelda laughed and kissed his cheek. “I’ll miss having you around so much,” she confided quietly. “Just so you know. However, it’s very unfair that you’ve been having all the fun with this. I want to do something.”

 

“Oh?”

 

Zelda smiled and stood, knocking her chair to the ground. “ _Oh_! Oh, _Link_!” she gasped.

 

Link gawked at her. “ _You’re the princess of Hyrule_!” he mouthed.

 

“Oh, you _know_ you want to!” she exclaimed breathlessly.

 

“ _You’re evil_!” he whispered.

 

“And you aren’t?”

 

* * *

 

 

Miles away, Ganondorf was treated to the most awkward moments of his life, as the princess and hero apparently began getting very… _passionate_. Of course, to make matters worse, that stupid Triforce piece kept insisting that he _had_ to ignore them and not address the problem. Ganondorf bravely tried to ignore the noises— _he could’ve lived a full life without ever knowing Princess Zelda could make noises like that_ , and the end result was four fires, a half-demolished forest, and a sobbing Ganondorf, when Link arrived to take back the Triforce of Courage.


End file.
